Marriage Necessary for Kids’ Success? 😠 My Rant on New Research

I was scrolling my news feed, and I stopped dead in my tracks. It was an NPR analysis of a new book by economist Melissa S. Kearney: 

The Two-Parent Privilege: How Americans Stopped Getting Married and Started Falling Behind.

I am absolutely appalled. As someone who has been working very hard to de-stigmatize divorce, I think this title alone reinforces the harmful trope of “stay together for the kids” and the guilt that comes when parents separate.

🌟 I have not yet read Kearney’s book. This is rant not review. Once I read the book I’ll do a more in-depth article. In the meantime, I wanted to start a conversation with y’all. 🌟

Here’s the book synopsis to get you caught up, excerpted right from the publisher:

.....

The surprising story of how declining marriage rates are driving many of the country’s biggest economic problems. In The Two-Parent Privilege, Melissa S. Kearney makes a provocative, data-driven case for marriage by showing how the institution’s decline has led to a host of economic woes—problems that have fractured American society and rendered vulnerable populations even more vulnerable. [...]

The Two-Parent Privilege makes it clear that marriage, for all its challenges and faults, may be our best path to a more equitable future. By confronting the critical role that family makeup plays in shaping children’s lives and futures, Kearney offers a critical assessment of what a decline in marriage means for an economy and a society—and what we must do to change course.

.....

See what I mean?! 

There’s no doubt that Kearney’s data analysis yields big differences in economic outcomes for those in two-parent married households. (Note that her data seems to come almost exclusively from straight couples.) It is expensive and time-consuming to raise kiddos, and two working adults means more money and time.

But to draw the conclusion that therefore we need more marriages? No! 

The critical question is not how to get more people to be married, but rather
👉🏽 How to fix a society that puts unmarried parents and their children at such an economic disadvantage? 

I truly believe we are in a societal shift. We are reexamining marriage, as folks consider when, how, or even if they will get married. We are reexamining divorce, and allowing nuance and compassion to complicate the good/bad binary that often accompanies the divorce announcement. 

I am grateful that researchers like Kearney are studying our society; it’s difficult to see patterns in complicated societal data. And yet the conclusions she draws—the framing she offers—is deeply flawed. 

Rather than insisting on more marriage, let’s focus our societal energy where it might actually help single-parent households: 

• Increase wages so we can survive thrive in a single-income household. 

• Normalize communal child-rearing.

• Increase community support for divorced families.

• Make childcare affordable while ensuring childcare providers are paid a living wage.

• Model healthy co-parenting and support divorced parents who are learning how.

• Sever the link between employment and health care so everyone has adequate coverage.

• Insist on equal pay for women.

• Increase parenting and emotional support for dads.

• Acknowledge the unpaid labor of raising children.

If we are serious about societal change, we need to commit to difficult work and the long road ahead. We are worth it. 

What do you think about this research? Email me your thoughts, and join our conversation on Instagram & Facebook. 

Warmly,

Sarah 🖖

PS: If you’re interested in more analysis of Kearney’s book, you can read this scathing review or this glowing one. 

PPS: Parents, I see you out there. I know you’re doing your best and showing up for your kids in a beautiful way.

PPPS: If you need support on your divorce journey, I created the online video course Fresh Start for you.
Questions? I invite you to book a book a free 15-min call with me.